Over the past several months, and more recently, over the past several weeks, God has given me an overwhelming and overflowing portion of Joy. This Joy is not only an emotion that I cannot contain or keep inside, but has become the essence and whole of who I am! THE JOY OF THE LORD!!! It is a REAL thing y'all! God's Holy Scripture, our holy, anointed medicine says, "Rejoicing(JOY) in the Lord is our strength! Nehemiah 8:10" I can humbly attest to this truth!
Infertility has been such a huge part of who I am and who I am continuously becoming. It has shaped the way I think, respond and relate to the world around me. BUT God has been revealing to me that He is bringing me further than my diagnosis. I love holding His hand as I watch Him lead me through this journey. I love allowing Him to be the Gentleman that He is while surrendering myself to Him, knowing that He has my feminine heart in His strong and mighty grasp.
Before infertility, I was very unhappy. I had reached the goal and dream that I had always prayed and prepared for: Marriage! I read all the Christian/Catholic books on marital relationships, I prayed novenas, I saved myself for my spouse and prayed for him, I came out of agreement with known generational curses and came into agreement with the perfect Will of God, but months into my newly wedded relationship, I was so broken! My husband worked away for weeks at a time and I stopped having periods. As more and more months went by, the less I felt like I had a purpose! I felt like everything I was ever created for was dissolving away. I slowly began to lose the sight of who I was in Christ. I mean how could I have prayed and desired something for so long, to finally receive it and then to feel completely purposeless within the very place I was supposed to have much purpose?!
Thank you God for allowing infertility. Yes, I know?! I am thanking my Lord for allowing this permissible path. I know God is perfect and His plans are perfect. Therefore, evil, sin and sickness do not come from Him nor are they of Him, but some things He will allow and permit for His Glory and Honor and Praise.
I needed to be reminded of His Grace and Mercy. I needed to be reminded of His Love and Compassion! I needed to be reminded of His JOY!! I needed to be reminded of who I was in HIM! Test after test, trial after trial, I began to see glimpses of His presence. I began building momentum in my faith and trust in Him.
Today, my relationship with God can be best described as completely, with out a doubt, head over heels in love with Him!! I can feel His presence when He enters the room, and my heart overflows with love and excitement! I have so much peace and happiness within our intimate relationship and within my marriage! This overwhelming love and this surrender has produced Abounding Joy within me! I am confident in who I am. I love the life that I have been given. I am made whole in the midst of the struggle and storm that has surrounded me over these years! I now know my purpose!
Infertility has brought me back to my Father, and has helped leave behind the broken pieces of who I once was. But now, I have to set infertility at the foot of the cross. It is not who I am anymore! God is calling me deeper and deeper into His presence. Infertility has been used as a buoy, beat up and scared from the waves of imperfection. It has kept me afloat and provided me a foundation that has allowed me to focus on the one who has truly saved me from sinking under! I'm thankful for you, Premature Ovarian Failure, but now it is time to let you go!
My identity is now in Christ alone! I am free, whole and healed in His presence! I delight myself in Him, and His love overflows within my soul! I pray that God continues to lead me on this path of surrender, joy and peace! I pray that He continues to lead me to where He wants me on this road to fertility and motherhood! I know that as long as I hold onto the Hand of my King, that it will be a joyous and content journey each step of the way! I will be so lost in His presence, that when I arrive to the place that I have been searching for, it will be as if I was there all along!
For though the fig tree does not blossom,
and no fruit appears on the vine,
Though the yield of the olive fails
and the terraces produce no nourishment,
Though the flocks disappear from the fold and there is no herd in the stalls,
Yet I will rejoice in the Lord
and exult in my saving God.
God, my Lord, is my strength;
he makes my feet swift as those of deer and enables me to tread upon the heights.