Through my walk with Jesus, faith has been a shield. A shield of protection, a shield of trust and a shield of grace. Faith has allowed me to walk with eyes wide open, and simultaneously be inattentive and covered from all of the negativity, cruelty and lies from sin and the enemy! Sometimes, I have even been described as naive, innocent, and oblivious to some aspects of life and situations because of this covering! My joy and surrender can sometimes be mistaken for inexperience, immaturity and inferiority from the world and things that are happening all around me. And that's okay! These assumptions are not totally astray from perception. Jesus teaches us to have "child-like" faith. Faith that can move mountains, faith that can witness without fear and faith that can simply see the beauty in all things that are good, pure and holy in Christ. The enemy can try to underestimate me, but through solid faith and total trust, my God will conquer and prevail.
Over a year ago, when I was diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure, I couldn't recognize who I was in Christ. It was a time when my faith was totally shaken. This "shield" of protection, trust and grace was scattered all over the ground. Disoriented and trembling, I couldn't even grasp my stance to pick up the pieces! I felt so betrayed, lost, confused and abandoned!
During this season of turmoil, I would cry out to God awaiting any little glimpse or sound of His familiar presence! I would become so angry! I was so unfamiliar with who I was becoming. I hated being so mad at God! I was fearful to run away from Him, because He was the source of life and love that I had always known. But I was also fearful to come to Him, because I couldn't see or hear Him anymore. It seemed as though every time I would pray or try to surrender to Him, my faith and trust would be tested even more. I was in this place between back and forth; either to turn my back on my Savior or run into His arms.
This restlessness demanded me to BE STILL.
My feet were still planted into the dusty foundation of the battlefield I was on. Though my sight shifted from left to right struggling to decide where I was going to go and though my knees quivering, I kept my stance. I was like a *child*, waiting for my Father to find me in this waste land. Too scared to run, but hopeful enough that maybe He could see me!
Looking back on this season that I was in, God was purposefully allowing my faith in Him to grow. He was testing my trust in Him, my love for Him and my hope in Him! In the stillness and quiet and the chaos and confusion, He was actually the one waiting on me!
Slowly, I gained strength. Piece by piece, I gathered what was shattered all around me. My Shield was thicker, stronger, more radiant and resistant than ever before!
It was the hardest decision of my life; choosing to trust without hearing, pray without ceasing, and believe without seeing! But I am SO very thankful! God graced me with more joy, compassion, wisdom, knowledge, trust and hope than I have ever known or thought capable of having!
My FAITH is uncompromisable! I am steadfast, only yielding to wherever God calls me to go! I am finally content and truly happy in where I am in my journey through infertility. My biggest desire is to become a mother. I will continue to pray and have faith that I will one day be granted that promise! I know that God is the one true source of happiness; therefore, I trust and have uncompromisable faith that wherever He calls me to be, I will have much Joy!
"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people." Ephesians 6:10-18