I’ve asked the question that gives a Christian so much shame, confusion and frustration.
I understand that this struggle isn’t a Jesus-thing. It’s a me-thing. Jesus is all that is good and holy. He’s none of the above that has brought me to this question and matter.
Walking through infertility has brought out the best and worst of me. A few years ago when I was seeking answers and venturing through the unknowns, I was in the front lines of battle. Weapon in hand. A spit fire for God. Ready for aim at the Enemy. My future was so unclear, which brought worry and anxiety. But my faith would override any source of retaliation from the opposing side.
As months and years have passed, I have slowly sunken into the background. Sword and shield still in hand. Not in front for protection. Instead, at my side, hanging low. Ready for release.
So many that surround me continue to march forward. Their faith and intercession keeps me on the battlefield even though I feel as though I have no contribution to the fight.
What has led me here?
What has caused the momentary defeat?
I’m not a natural born competitor. I’m introvertedly okay with me doing my own thing. Going at my own pace. I guess that’s the artist in me! But what does this trait have to do with praying? Well, simply put, spiritual warfare overwhelms me. Discouragement creeps in and whispers, “You don’t have it in you.” I settle there and make camp, sometimes, providing the enemy a place to come & steal from me.
I’m a realist. I take things very literally. Believing for things I cannot grasp exhausts me. But I WANT to believe. So I try and push forward. POF can sometimes ring more true than what Jesus promises. I hate that about myself. Because again, I hope and pursue to believe the Truth.
I’m task oriented. You tell me to do something in A, B, C order, it’s done. I’m not so much centered around the conversation, but rather making sure everything surrounding the social event is thriving and inviting. Coffee made✔️ Enough seating✔️ Clean environment✔️ Everyone’s invited✔️ Serving others✔️
I LOVE serving and giving of myself in this way. However, when combining my uncompetitive, realistic and task oriented mind in a prayerful and battlefield setting, I become very frustrated and overwhelmed with things that are “not happening yet.” I feel as though I am doing everything that is asked of me with no outcome. So I give up and surrender to myself instead of surrendering to God.
I have used time as a measure of broken promise. Time has let me down, and I have directly correlated that to Jesus letting me down.
Writing and sharing my imperfections enables me to lay out all that is running through my mind. It allows me to calculate what is true, and even more so, what is a lie.
So as I type, I release what isn’t of Him onto words on this page. I reclaim the truth that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I will surrender to Him instead of to my worries and doubts.
I WILL press forward lifting my weapons in hand and continuing to fight the good fight. I hope to believe. I will make way for the promise. I ask for Faith to receive it.